Creating a safe environment: parents need to help kids navigate tech
As seen in the Roman Catholic Diocese of Rochester, N.Y., Winter edition of Safe Environment Newsletter.
By Jane Sutter
With recent media reports that some teen girls suffer mental health issues from using Instagram, parents may be feeling confused and fearful about their own children’s interactions on social media.
A Cornell University researcher offers a more balanced view: “We are at an interesting juncture with our relationship with technology, and it’s definitely fraught with some peril as well as some opportunity,” said Janis Whitlock, research scientist and the director of the Cornell Research Program on Self-Injury and Recovery in Ithaca.
Whitlock said that while there have been many studies trying to answer the question of what using social media does to mental health of users, especially young users, there is no conclusive answer. In fact, studies create a “speckled picture,” Whitlock said.
There is no clear evidence that using social media damages mental health in a “big picture” way but when studies drill down, there are vulnerable users, Whitlock said. It all depends on “what people bring to the platform. If a person, a young person or not, brings a certain kind of vulnerability and certain kinds of needs that they are trying to have met there—that really just can’t be met there—then it’s not good for them.” For example, some teen girls may use Instagram to see images of people with bodies that these teens can never attain, and that can be damaging to their mental health, Whitlock said.
“When people bring a more balanced persona and the ability to filter out messages, the sub-messages, the wish that ‘I could look like that’ or ‘not like this’, the more they can deal with that, the more good they can get out of it,” Whitlock said.
That means parents should talk with their kids about how they interact on the Internet, how much they interact and where they are going on the Internet. Parents should help their kids be conscious of whether their interactions on social media are starting to make them feel bad, Whitlock said. A lot of times kids don’t have an awareness that they are “starting to feel yucky” about themselves when they spend time interacting online.
However, research also shows that there’s a lot of good that social media does. “It connects a lot of teens—who otherwise might be isolated—with people who help them feel connected in one way or another,” Whitlock said.
Coaching your child
When Laura Tierney was a teen-ager and then an award-winning student-athlete at Duke University, she heard many lectures from adults that harped on the “don’ts” regarding using her cell phone. “Don’t text this, don’t share that, don’t download that app,” etc. But she found technology helped her follow positive role models, stay in touch with friends around the world and even assisted her in landing jobs including creating social media campaigns for big brands such as ESPN, Disney and Coca-Cola.
Tierney’s experiences motivated her to create The Social Institute (TSI), an organization that partners with schools nationwide to empower students, families and educators to positively navigate social-emotional health, social media and technology. According to its website, TSI provides a gamified, online learning platform that empowers students to navigate their social world—social media and technology—to fuel their health, happiness and future success.
As CEO of The Social Institute, Tierney spends a lot of time talking with kids, parents and teachers. Tierney understands parents hear a lot of negativity in news reports when it comes to technology and social media.
“Naturally parents harp on ‘don’t do this, don’t share this’ but I think it’s never been more important to take a more positive approach to helping our kids navigate social media. It’s not going away any time soon, whether we wish it would or not,” Tierney said, chuckling.
Being well-acquainted with the world of sports, Tierney offered this analogy: “Similar to sports, any great coach coaches you on how to throw the ball or how to kick it or how to pass it, and I think social media education should be no different. We should be focused on helping kids to know what to do, not just ‘don’t do this, don’t do that.’”
Parents need to fulfill that role of coach, Tierney believes, and she advises parents to ease their child into technology. “Think of it as helping your child practice before they go pro.” If “pro” is defined as allowing a child to use social media with limited or no oversight and allowing a child to use his or her device in their bedroom or at school, then there is a lot of work for parents to do get their child used to tech, she said.
Start with sharing
For example, a parent can start by sharing a social media account with a child before the child gets one on his own. (Most social media platforms require kids to be at least 13 years old, yet children often lie about their birth date to get around that.)
Another technique is for parents to invest in a device that doesn’t have a full data plan, for example a watch that a child can use to call or text people but it doesn’t allow access to apps like a regular phone, Tierney suggested.
“There are so many steps that parents can take before we just throw our kids into Instagram or TikTok or having a smart phone. It builds their mental muscles to make positive decisions,” Tierney said.
Write it down
Another useful technique suggested by both Tierney and Whitlock is to have a written agreement about how the family uses technology. TSI offers a “family social standards agreement” that can be downloaded from its website. This can be especially useful to avoid the power struggles that can happen between an adult and adolescent, both Tierney and Whitlock said.
“I really recommend that parents stay as far as possible from power struggles; I know it’s really easy to go there,” Whitlock said. “We really need to try to find ways to establish both open lines of communication and educated communication. Parents really need to know the world their youth inhabit and think strategically about the communication they need to have, such as agreements they can make as a family, and things that as a parent I’m just going to mandate.”
Having a written agreement is much more effective than having the parent own their kids’ passwords, Whitlock said, as kids can find a way to get around that.
Whitlock said parents need to educate themselves about parental control options on the household Wi-Fi system and with phone carriers. She recalled using those when her kids were teens (they are now in their 20s). Yes, her kids were mad at her for several days about the controls and rules, Whitlock said, but she stayed firm with rules such as phones going off at 10 p.m.
“A lot of parents don’t (use parental controls) because they don’t even know they exist or because it feels too cumbersome to try to figure it all out, but that’s the job of the parent,” Whitlock said.
Fear of conflict
Tierney noted that many parents are fearful of talking to their kids about technology or social media because the parents know less than their kids, or they worry the conversation is just going to be another cause of friction because they disagree with their teens’ use of certain apps, etc.
It might surprise parents to know that a Penn State University study found that teens want to talk to their parents about potentially risky online experiences but don’t because they worry that their parents will overreact and confiscate their devices or limit use of certain apps, Tierney noted. She advised that parents keep their cool, ask questions, and try to understand what their children are feeling and why. Such interactions can help build trust so the child will come to the parents “when the going gets tough because it will on certain platforms.”
Tierney said her favorite strategy for parents who need to learn about the apps their kids use is to invite the child to “coach up,” that is for kids to coach their parents on different apps or settings or different devices. For example, if a teen wants to use TikTok, ask him or her what are the three pros and the three cons of using it, and what are the steps parent and teen can take to help avoid the cons.
“There’s no better way for people to learn something than to have them teach it to others,” Tierney said. “You’re really taking an empowering approach when you’re inviting your child to focus on what they can do to navigate social media and tech positively.”
Part of a parent’s responsibility is to understand where the risks do and don’t come from on the internet, Whitlock said. Concerns about the impact on a teen girl’s self-esteem from using Instagram or the effects of cyberbullying on an adolescent should be at least as high as concern about unknown predators, she said. Kids mostly use the internet to socialize with people they already know.
The bottom line for issues regarding kids and technology based on what Whitlock and Tierney said is that parents need to educate themselves about social media platforms, apps and parental controls on devices, and parents must be willing to partner with and learn from their kids. It won’t always be smooth sailing but parenting never is.
About The Social Institute
The Social Institute partners with schools nationwide to empower students, families, and educators to positively navigate social-emotional health, social media, and technology. Schools access our student-respected, turnkey curriculum through WinAtSocial.com, an interactive, gamified learning platform. With solutions for students, parents, and educators, we offer a systemic and comprehensive SEL program through a unique and positive approach. We are proud to serve public and independent partners such as Ravenscroft School, Woodward Academy, Oldfields School, All Saints Episcopal School, Lake Forest School District, Boston Public Schools, and more. For more information on how to empower your students to make high-character decisions online and off, please contact us.