Q&A: The positive impact of “what if” parental coaching
The Social Institute’s Managing Editor Gail Marie recently talked with Founder and President Laura Tierney and shared her experiences growing up with “What if” coaching by her parents. What if a certain negative scenario happened? What would you do? She shares how she now applies that same “What if” coaching to the Social Locker Room, helping equip parents and students with the positive decisions they should make in negative social media scenarios.
Gail Marie and her family, 1983, days after returning to Minnesota from a trip to Hawaii (where she now lives)
Tell me about your experience with parents who ran through “What if” scenarios.
GAIL MAIRE: Growing up, my parents liked for my younger brother and me to be prepared for anything that could come our way. So we had lots of protocols for scenarios like a house fire or a stranger wanting to pick us up from school.
But we didn’t just talk about them. We’d practice them. We would literally go through fire-drills in the house, crawling on our bedroom floor to the nearest window and practice getting out. We’d practice asking a “stranger” for the family password so that we knew it was safe to get in a car with them.
Did your parents ever prepare you for a scenario that you actually had to navigate IRL?
GAIL MARIE: Yes! One scenario they prepped us on was if we got separated from them in public. We had to actually navigate that one a couple of times in real life. This one time on vacation in Florida, we got separated in a huge hotel, and the protocol was to go back to the hotel room. We were super young, but I remember getting my brother and me back to the room and sitting outside the door waiting for mom and dad. It wasn’t scary because I knew they were coming. It’s what we’d agreed to.
The funny part is that our parents initially forgot about the protocol and panicked. But once they remembered, there we were, sitting outside our hotel room in the hallway! Another time, my dad’s coworker picked us up from school, which was really unusual. But he had the family password, so we knew it was OK.
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Was it ever annoying going through all these scenarios as a kid? Were you ever frustrated?
GAIL MARIE: Definitely. What kid wants to run fire drills on a Saturday afternoon? And I sometimes felt uncomfortable having the tough conversations, too. But my parents took it so seriously, so there was no getting out of it.
As we got older, all of these protocols would evolve as new threats developed. The reality was that bad things could happen (kidnapping, house fires, you name it). So they were scary and uncomfortable conversations, but when they were done, I was better off because I knew what to do.
Tell me about you feeling empowered.
GAIL MARIE: Well, the fact that my dad and mom were running the drills with my brother and me made me realize that we’re a team. We are all on the same page. I had respect for both of them because they knew what situations I could face and the potential risks. And, as I said before, when we got separated from them in the hotel, I wasn’t nervous. I knew that THEY knew what to do, too.
“I like preparing parents to proactively educate their child on what to do when things get tricky on social. And they will. Guaranteed.”
How do you apply this experience now to your role with The Social Institute?
GAIL MARIE: It comes in most handy while writing the social media conversation starters in the Social Locker Room, the Huddles that parents around the country use to make sure their kids know what to do when something negative happens online. I like preparing parents to proactively educate their child on what to do when things get tricky — in positive and negative situations. Because they will get tricky. Guaranteed
And sometimes, it’s no fun. Did my dad really want to talk to his middle-school-aged daughter about the man who was calling teens in the area pretending to be from a modeling agency and asking questions about their measurements? (This happened.) NO! It was super uncomfortable. But he did it anyway. He wanted to proactively prepare me. Period.
In the same way, I want to proactively prepare and empower our parents of teens and tweens who visit the Social Locker Room. Here’s what to do when you experience a negative scenario.
What’s your favorite “What If” scenario for students in the Social Locker Room?
GAIL MARIE: I like two especially: What if a stranger friends you and asks you to exchange information? And what if you share inappropriate pics of yourself privately that are then shared publically? Both of these scenarios have huge potential losses if you can’t navigate them positively.
What about your favorite “What If” scenario for parents?
GAIL MARIE: Again, I like two: What if my child wants a smartphone? I want parents to understand exactly what it is they’re handing over, what’s possible even with texting (bullying, sexting, talking to strangers, etc.). And on the flip side: What if my child doesn’t get a phone? I don’t want parents assuming that nothing bad will happen to their kid if they don’t get their own device. This doesn’t let parents off the hook from educating their kids on how to use social media for good.
After all, kids can easily access platforms through a family tablet, any internet browser, or even a friends’ device. Kids need to understand both what’s at stake and the good that’s possible, whether they have their own devices or not.
“Don’t spread yourself too thin across too many platforms. Keep it simple.”
If you could go back and give your younger self advice for navigating social media positively, what would it be?
GAIL MARIE: I would tell Little Gail to pick one or two popular platforms that she could really focus on and use really positively. Keep it simple. Don’t spread yourself too thin across too many platforms because that’s when you might make silly and unsafe decisions — when you’re not focused.
The one platform Little Gail would probably choose is Instagram, and then maybe Houseparty so I could video chat with my friends. But both would require conversations with mom and dad. Because, hey, I’m sure they would have some scenarios to run through me for both platforms.
At least I wouldn’t have to crawl on the floor!