Social media monitoring tools: When not to spy
There are lots of tools available to parents who want to keep tabs on what their child is doing online: TeenSafe, Net Nanny, Norton, Circle With Disney, and SecureTeen are some of the most popular social media monitoring tools. You can track their geo-location, who they call and text, where they go online, and what they share. Circle With Disney will even let you cut off Internet access at bedtime or pause the Internet when it’s time for dinner. According to Pew, 39% of parents report using parental controls for blocking, filtering, or monitoring their teen’s online activities.
Rookies always need extra help.
A good time to consider using one of these apps is when your child gets their first device. Rookies always need some extra help. For example, similar to the way kids get a weekly 💵 allowance, you can use the apps to give your child a digital allowance. Every week, they have to manage the time they spend on their device so that they don’t go over what they’ve been allotted (say, 14 hours a week). If they go over, they need to have a conversation with you about why they went over and whether they should be allotted more time.
However, in general, the social media monitoring apps encourage helicopter parenting. What’s worse, they discourage parent-child huddling: Parents have told us that when they use a tool like TeenSafe, they are more likely to spy and less likely to talk. At The Social Institute, we’re all about parents and kids having regular conversations (huddles) about social media and what they see and experience online.
Huddle. Don’t helicopter.
And let’s talk for a minute about how the students we’ve spoken to say they resent being spied on. You didn’t want your parents reading your diary when you were younger, right? Nope. But you’re probably thinking, “Well, I couldn’t connect with strangers in my diary, so it’s not similar.” But it is to your child. Social is their personal space, and anyone who violates that jeopardizes their trust.
Why huddle instead of 🚁 ? TRUST.
You want your teen coming to you, trusting you, and having conversations when they want to join new apps, are in a group text that goes south, and more. If you haven’t built trust with them around social, then they won’t do that. Huddles do exactly that.
Need proof? A new study in the Journal of Adolescence with 455 adolescents (published earlier this month in the New York Times) found that teens who believed their parents were snooping on them shared less information than teens who felt their parents were respecting their space and boundaries. Want more proof? There’s this and this.
And remember, if your teen DOES come to you to talk about something, stay cool as a cucumber. Try not to overreact. This is totally easier said than done, we know. But teens we’ve spoken with, along with plenty of studies, have shared that they actually want to talk to their parents about online issues but fear their parents will freak out.
Your child will have to navigate this world of digital on their own sooner than you probably realize.
How to build trust around social media
- Set standards. Together. Use our Family Social Standards Agreement as is or modify it to create a family contract of your own that everyone lives up to together. Topics your agreement should address include where and when you use your device(s), how you’ll be open with each other when the going gets tough on social, and what information you will and won’t share.
- Set boundaries. Nearly every game (except 🏌?) has clear out of bounds. The game of social media is no different. As a parent, you set the boundaries, even the technical kind. Most devices and social media platforms have parental controls that you can use without ever needing to purchase any of the spyware tools mentioned above.
If your child is a tween and on YouTube, you may want to consider turning on Restricted Mode. If your family uses Apple’s Family Sharing, you can turn on Ask To Buy. All of these tools are literally at your fingertips and help draw clear lines around the field before your child ever plays the game of social.
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Keep lines of communication open by huddling. Ask your child what happened on social media each day. Ask who they’re texting with. Ask them to show you who they’re following on Snapchat and why. Ask about who they’re talking to when they’re gaming. Ask to friend and follow them on social media. The more huddles you have, the stronger your team becomes. And the less you need those pricey spyware tools.
Consider the long game: You won’t always be able to monitor your child’s every move. They will have to navigate this world of digital on their own sooner than you probably realize. By encouraging them early and often to come to you when they hit a rough spot, you’re setting them up to win at social.
Huddle up!
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