A mother and daughter talk about watching #13ReasonsWhy together
Emily, a high school senior, knew it was a book before it was a show on Netflix. She’d picked it up at Barnes & Noble and read the back, but she didn’t find it that interesting. “Cliche depression novel is what I thought,” the 17-year-old said. “I’m not reading it.” Then she heard about the show. “Everyone was watching it and talking about it, so I started watching it one night in the living room.”
Halfway through the first episode, Emily’s mom Claudine walked in. They often binge-watch shows together, so it wasn’t unusual for Emily to suggest they start the episode over and watch it together. “Immediately I regretted it because it’s pretty involved and intense,” Emily said. Her mom agreed about that last bit — in fact, Claudine could only watch one show at a time, so Emily watched the next few episodes alone, then rewatched them with her mom, one at a time.
Only one of them made it through all 13.
1. What would you tell other teens about “13 Reasons Why”?
Emily: Younger kids, like 12-year-olds, shouldn’t be watching it. But kids my age, if you feel like you might get triggered by some of the scenes and content, watch it with someone else. You’ve just got to know your limit. It took me a long time to get to that point, to know what triggers me. You just have to be really self-aware. In the first few episodes, you’ll see drug abuse, LGBT issues, bullying, etc. But that’s low-hanging fruit in this show. What I don’t get is that if the whole point of the show was to raise awareness, then they should’ve told us where to get support for those issues. Where to find help. Lots of missed opportunities.
2. What would you tell parents?
Claudine: I agree with Emily. The series’ creators and producers missed an opportunity for an honest and real discussion about bullying, depression and anxiety, sexual assault and rape, and suicide among teens. After each episode, I wished there were references to crises hotlines and resources. Still, parents should use the show’s popularity to have meaningful conversations with their teen. If they’ve got tweens or younger teens, it’s an opportunity to start a conversation about social media. Ask for 10 minutes without phones. Look each other in the eye, and be relentless about it. Don’t just ask “How was your day?” Follow up with more specific questions…dig deep if you have to. Be a safe place with no judgment, even when it comes to social. Really listen to them.
Usually, teens to go social media to talk about the hard stuff, but it backfires.
E: As a teen, can I just say, that can get annoying. But then once you do it over and over again, it gets a lot easier. I feel so much better after having difficult conversations with you, mom. It’s hard. You get choked up and it’s hard, but after you get it out, you feel a lot better. Usually, teens go to social media for that, but it backfires. Mom’s my mom, she’s not someone behind the screen. She’s not going to judge me.
3. Do you think the series paints a real picture of the drama that happens online and in real life to high school students today?
E: Not very well or accurately, mostly because there’s no way all of that bad stuff would happen to one person over the course of just one year. Hanna had terrible luck. She moves to a new school and is slut-shamed right away, then there’s a bad picture of her floating around, a friend slaps her, and on and on. In that regard, it felt hyperbolic. Also, some of the situations she experiences could’ve been solved easily. But God forbid they have a conversation about it with an adult. And the whole revenge fantasy masks how much pain Hannah was really in.
C: Yeah, there’s lots of passive-aggressiveness, and they basically throw every typical teenage angst into one show. Also, their maturity level was surprisingly low. My husband, Emily’s dad, always says to choose the hard right over the easy wrong, and no one did that in “13 Reasons Why.”
E: It was kind of like the Peanuts — you never saw their parents. So it made no sense. You know they were living at home with their folks, but you rarely saw them interact. And when they did, the parents did as little as possible.
3. Halfway through the series, Hannah talks about how friends should have each other’s backs. Does that resonate with you?
E: Yeah. For example, a girl who I had choir with freshman year — we follow each other’s spam accounts (on Instagram). I’d seen posts that she’d been sad and upset. Then, one night, when I got on Instagram late, I saw that she had posted something about how no one ever listens to her posts, how everyone scrolls by, with no likes or comments. So, I DM’d (direct messaged) her and offered to talk. She replied: “I appreciate it a lot.” That said, sometimes people pretend to back each other up, almost as a way to bully.
Our kids have such limited life experience…we need to guide them.
7. What would you tell parents who are prohibiting their daughters from watching the series?
C: Our kids have such limited life experience, even as older teens. We need to guide them. So, don’t just say no because the topics covered in the show make you uncomfortable. If they do, it’s the perfect show to watch. The perfect reason. These topics are supposed to be difficult. And it depends on their maturity level and if they’ve gone through anything — maybe they are trying to tell their parents something by wanting to watch it. If you have an inkling that there’s something going on…there’s an opportunity here that shouldn’t be missed.
E: And I’d encourage boys to watch this show. Clay is kind of a good role model. He tries to do the hard right over the easy wrong. He knows the definition and existence of consent. They may say, “I want to be like Clay.”
8. So, what did you think about the ending?
E: I haven’t finished the series. There were trigger warnings at the beginning of episode 9, and it took me three days to finish watching it. There was sexual assault, rape, suicide ideation — it was very intense. So, I decided to stop watching it at that point.
C: I watched every episode. And, I don’t think this is a spoiler, but in episode 13 they show Hannah committing suicide. It’s very shocking to see the actual act. And though, sure, there are trigger warnings at the start of the episode, they don’t refer viewers to any support like crisis hotlines, counseling, etc.
There’s lots of conversation going on about this show right now, but it’s the wrong conversation.
9. Anything else?
C: There’s lots of conversation going on about this show right now, but it’s the wrong conversation. We’re talking about how it’s romanticizing suicide and revenge fantasy versus how can we be kinder to each other, how to talk to our teens about consent, how can parents and their children establish open dialogue, how it’s OK to ask for help, and how, if you don’t get help the first time, keep seeking until you get it.
E: The counselors at my school, they make sure you talk to someone. In the film, they have just one counselor for thousands of students, and that’s unrealistic. There’s help available.
Emily and Claudine wanted to share these resources with readers:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1.800.273.8255
- Crisis Text Line — Text HOME to 741741
- National Sexual Assault Hotline — 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)
- The Jed Foundation
Empowers teens and young adults with the skills and support to grow into healthy, thriving adults - Buddy Project
Aims to prevent suicide by pairing people as buddies and raising awareness for mental health - The Trevor Project
Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGTBQ youth - End Rape on Campus — 1.424.777.EROC (3762)
Works to end campus sexual violence through direct support for survivors and their communities; prevention through education; and policy reform at the campus, local, state, and federal levels